BREAKING UP WITH DUALISM

The thing about rulesy people though, is they tend to see things dualistically. I did it already in this post. You’re either this or you’re that. Good or bad. Happy or sad. Hot or cold. 

I’ve always journaled. With a seemingly never-ending stream of thoughts and feelings it’s not just a new year’s resolution for me – it’s a necessity! Every 5-7 years, for one reason or another, I’ll end up pulling out all my old journals and leafing through the pages. It’s an interesting experience, looking into your mind (as displayed on paper) at various points of your life. From ages 13-18 there was a running theme – boys. (In fact, I once read a prayer I had written that said, ‘God, help me to know what to do about James/Josh/Ryan/Mark.’) 

Yep. But the theme that spans every journal I ever wrote in (and you’ll know this prayer when you hear it) was ‘God, show me what you want me to do in life.’ The angst dripped from the pages.

In times when I’ve felt a sense of peace or discernment about a decision that needs to be made, I’ve also felt nervous to describe how I’m justifying my decision to others – ‘well I think God told me’ or ‘I didn’t exactly hear an audible voice’. There is a lurking fear that if I was to make a decision that I wanted to make, I am somehow usurping God. Because either God told me specifically or he didn’t. Dualism. 

I have found myself over the years straining desperately to know, ‘is this what I’m supposed to be doing?’, ‘should I move somewhere else?’, ‘am I in your will?’ Because either this is God’s plan, or it isn’t. Dualism.

Dualism seemed like my friend because he made it easy to know what I was supposed to do. The boundaries were clearly defined. When a new issue arose, I ran it through my brain and, in time, it emerged as either good or bad. So simple. Then you just act accordingly.

But dualism, sadly, is not a friend. And I need to break up with him. I’m trying.

Because if you can hold that space, the grey in which everything finds its home, there is untold splendour to behold.

I’m not sure Jesus was a dualistic guy. He answered the question, “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” with two answers and he broke many of the ‘rules’ of the day in pursuit of showing people what was important.

India Arie sang, “I wanna go where the mountains are high enough to echo my song, I wanna go where the rivers run deep enough to drown my shame, I wanna go where the stars shine bright enough to show me the way. I wanna go where the wind calls my name.”

I’ve spent untold hours agonising over doing what ‘God wants me to do’, trying to crack the code, find the answer. Get a green light or a confirmation that what I’m doing is the right thing. It’s exhausting just to type that out. What I actually want is to go where the wind calls my name. That’s not really a black and white or concrete idea – but it’s beautiful.